Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
