Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
