My underwear smells like fireworks.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Who died my cat blue again?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
