I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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