Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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