Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
