Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
