it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
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I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
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Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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