You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
