Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
