Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
