I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
soo... how was my night?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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