I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He better not be in your backpack
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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