Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
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I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
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Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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