he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
