I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
