Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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