just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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