I want to have your abortion
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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