my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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