I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
