Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
