The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
