OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
