i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
