end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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