she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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