bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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