once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
