Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
