One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
