you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
