I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
