just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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