i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
