so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
