OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
