I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
