We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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