Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
