Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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