My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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