I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
