So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
