despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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