Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
