Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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