I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
