I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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