I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize