Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
