when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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