Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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