Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
