tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
