this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
