god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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