got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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