im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
