just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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