Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
